Post written on 7th December 2013
Published online on 30th October 2014
This is a long story because i want to give you all a decent understanding of my context.
**Work**
I am a 26 year old male living in India. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 about 8 years ago while i was in another country.. India has a very indifferent culture towards any sort of psychological condition. My own parents deny the existence of my condition. Which is ironic coz they're doctors. <sigh> My own mum has gone so far as to call me schizophrenic and has said that i deserve to be locked in an asylum with a straight jacket on. My dad seems to have a lot more empathy but i see that it tested his patience whenever i talked about it.
I had been keeping my mood swings relatively under control for the past few years with some thought exercises and a lot of self-control.
2012 was a good year for me. I got a really good job at an organisation that i liked, doing research and teaching. I also moved to another city away from my mum. My dad lives in the city i moved to. I had no no major swings that affected my functioning. i built up a strong group of friends, i call them my family :).
Then, about 4 months ago, i was shit-canned for flippant reasons. I have maintained contact with a few friends from work and they said that i wasn't the only one. Apparently, people who didn't fit with the cliquey culture of the senior researchers were slowly pushed out.
The past few months have been hard, with my swings affecting my life and also any efforts that i make to find another job. i have on more than one occasion thought about ending it all and freeing myself
**Thus ends the part of my work**
**Personal Life**
My mum and dad are together. On paper. That's all. She has been cheating on him since i was 4 years old. an impressive 22 years. My dad made a conscious decision to move away from the house when i was about 12. She was very good at hiding it from me and my dad (bless him) didn't try to turn me against her and doesn't to this day. In fact, we just dont talk about it. an unspoken pact b/w father and son. I guess the shroud of innocence that marks a child gave way when i was about 16 (about a year before i was diagnosed). I understood the situation and was destroyed. I stopped believing in relationships and withdrew from my friends. It took me 2 years (18y/o) till was able to maintain healthy relationships with friends and with the opposite sex.
Late 2008 (20 y/o), i started a dating a wonderful girl. Lets call her "N". N was amazing, she got me, she balanced me when things started getting unhinged. For the first time i felt that i could be normal and that i could be with her for the long run. Then, as with all things that define my life, disaster. She lost her grandmother at the same time as a massive depressive swing for me. I knew i had to be there for her. I tried. But i believe, what seemed to be an effort for me just wasn't enough for her. The power of hindsight allows me to tell you this.
Soon after that , around mid-2010, we broke up. I was broken again. I started my graduate degree around this time and i was occupied with the school work. I drowned myself in work. I received an internship in France. Before i left, i did a stupid thing and asked N to marry me. She said no.
Despite that, my internship went off well and i came out my graduate degree better than i had entered it.
I moved to the new city for my job and it was here that i met another girl. Lets call her "A". She seemed interested in me and had all the right reactions to my advances. She even spent a few nights at my place. We did not have sex. She was interested in getting into a relationship and everything seemed to be on the right track. My friends loved her. Her friends liked me. Then, one day, around the same time as i was getting laid off, she sends me a text claiming that she felt pressured into getting into a relationship with me by my friends. Bollocks. Being the chivalrous dweeb that i am, i respected her wishes and backed off all the way.
**Thus ends the part about my personal life**
Personally, I just feel my sanity slipping away bit-by-agonizing-bit. Without work, i am unfocused and all over the place. The phrase "All play and no work makes Jack flipping insane" applies to me.
I dont know what this post will accomplish personally. Maybe tomorrow, i'll regret it and delete it. Maybe, i'll be better for it. Bleh.
I'm just lost.
Published online on 30th October 2014
This is a long story because i want to give you all a decent understanding of my context.
**Work**
I am a 26 year old male living in India. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 about 8 years ago while i was in another country.. India has a very indifferent culture towards any sort of psychological condition. My own parents deny the existence of my condition. Which is ironic coz they're doctors. <sigh> My own mum has gone so far as to call me schizophrenic and has said that i deserve to be locked in an asylum with a straight jacket on. My dad seems to have a lot more empathy but i see that it tested his patience whenever i talked about it.
I had been keeping my mood swings relatively under control for the past few years with some thought exercises and a lot of self-control.
2012 was a good year for me. I got a really good job at an organisation that i liked, doing research and teaching. I also moved to another city away from my mum. My dad lives in the city i moved to. I had no no major swings that affected my functioning. i built up a strong group of friends, i call them my family :).
Then, about 4 months ago, i was shit-canned for flippant reasons. I have maintained contact with a few friends from work and they said that i wasn't the only one. Apparently, people who didn't fit with the cliquey culture of the senior researchers were slowly pushed out.
The past few months have been hard, with my swings affecting my life and also any efforts that i make to find another job. i have on more than one occasion thought about ending it all and freeing myself
**Thus ends the part of my work**
**Personal Life**
My mum and dad are together. On paper. That's all. She has been cheating on him since i was 4 years old. an impressive 22 years. My dad made a conscious decision to move away from the house when i was about 12. She was very good at hiding it from me and my dad (bless him) didn't try to turn me against her and doesn't to this day. In fact, we just dont talk about it. an unspoken pact b/w father and son. I guess the shroud of innocence that marks a child gave way when i was about 16 (about a year before i was diagnosed). I understood the situation and was destroyed. I stopped believing in relationships and withdrew from my friends. It took me 2 years (18y/o) till was able to maintain healthy relationships with friends and with the opposite sex.
Late 2008 (20 y/o), i started a dating a wonderful girl. Lets call her "N". N was amazing, she got me, she balanced me when things started getting unhinged. For the first time i felt that i could be normal and that i could be with her for the long run. Then, as with all things that define my life, disaster. She lost her grandmother at the same time as a massive depressive swing for me. I knew i had to be there for her. I tried. But i believe, what seemed to be an effort for me just wasn't enough for her. The power of hindsight allows me to tell you this.
Soon after that , around mid-2010, we broke up. I was broken again. I started my graduate degree around this time and i was occupied with the school work. I drowned myself in work. I received an internship in France. Before i left, i did a stupid thing and asked N to marry me. She said no.
Despite that, my internship went off well and i came out my graduate degree better than i had entered it.
I moved to the new city for my job and it was here that i met another girl. Lets call her "A". She seemed interested in me and had all the right reactions to my advances. She even spent a few nights at my place. We did not have sex. She was interested in getting into a relationship and everything seemed to be on the right track. My friends loved her. Her friends liked me. Then, one day, around the same time as i was getting laid off, she sends me a text claiming that she felt pressured into getting into a relationship with me by my friends. Bollocks. Being the chivalrous dweeb that i am, i respected her wishes and backed off all the way.
**Thus ends the part about my personal life**
Personally, I just feel my sanity slipping away bit-by-agonizing-bit. Without work, i am unfocused and all over the place. The phrase "All play and no work makes Jack flipping insane" applies to me.
I dont know what this post will accomplish personally. Maybe tomorrow, i'll regret it and delete it. Maybe, i'll be better for it. Bleh.
I'm just lost.
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